the worst thing a girl can be

Sonoya Mizuno - Ex Machina (2015)

I did not cry in London. I want that written down because it is mostly true. London just happens to be very rainy and when it rains everything happens to get wet.

I went because I wanted to go where my family was, which was ironic because I came with my family. The thing about family is that you can’t stop looking for them everywhere even when you know they won’t show up. I did not cry when I forgot my edibles before the plane or when my train was cancelled or when my dad yelled at me in the lobby. I was very boring and very obedient and I was always the oldest person in the room and that made me lots of friends that were strangers and none that were not.

Famicoman - Internet Archive

I am very good at being very boring when I need to be. You’d think that this would make me resourceful but it just makes me exhausted. When you fake boredom it comes out like sadness, like you’ve been flattened out and then someone still keeps trying to wring the water out.

I wrote down the times I felt visible and the times I did not because it made the rain less noticeable.

Visible:

1. I walked to the corner store alone and then did the same walk three times.

2. I talked to the receptionist about nothing in the elevator. He asked me why I was in London and I lied and said I was visiting family which is funny because I came with my family. It also didn’t really feel like a lie.

3. My train to Canterbury got cancelled and I told the man doing the refund that I was sad that I didn’t get to keep the ticket for my scrapbook. He printed me a new blank ticket and then stamped ‘CANCELLED’ on it. He had a mug that said, “Warning: Piss me off today and you’ll be wearing this fucking mug.”

Invisible:

1. I was tired and panicky in a restaurant and my dad said ‘breathe’ and that made me angry because I couldn’t not do that to prove a point.

2. The man at the chicken shop asked me if my peanut allergy was severe. I said no and then thought I should’ve said yes and then wasn’t sure which answer was worse because I was going to eat the chicken anyway. He kept coming back and asking if I was fine with cross contamination and I don’t like repeating myself.

3. My sister stands behind me a lot. When we’re walking or on the tube or in a lobby. I don’t like it. When people stand behind me I have to keep checking and looking backwards feels like admitting you’re scared.

Famicoman - Internet Archive

I cried one time. Fine. It was the day I was leaving and I went to breakfast with my dad and my sister and my dad’s boss who he had invited because he doesn’t like to be alone around me when I’m not being funny. My dad’s not girlfriend was also there — the one who he brought to not feel lonely and who is the only adult in my life I feel I can be not boring around - she was there and I was about to leave her for forever and that was the problem.

I was very good the entire breakfast. I shook the boss’s hand and talked about the train protests and my major and he probably talked more than anyone else at the table. I did not make eye contact with the girlfriend because I could feel the interesting part of me getting more interesting. I just kept shoving soggy beans into my mouth so I could relearn how to be furniture. The thing about furniture is you can move it. It moved when she walked me to the elevator with my suitcase and then it got thrown into a U-haul when she looked at me before the Uber showed up. I covered my mouth with my hand and she pulled me in and hugged me and everyone in the lobby decided to suddenly learn how to be furniture. I said, “Sorry, it’s fine,” and she said, “Don’t do that. You will see me again. Next time I’ll say goodbye over text.” I said, “Don’t.” She kissed my head and hugged me for longer than was legally necessary and told me to be selfish. I led my sister into the Uber and practiced being very wet furniture.

The thing about being sad is that it’s hard to do when things are still happening. The Uber driver was annoying until he was useful. It was an hour long ride and he talked the entire time about his AI generated UK drill business idea and about how much he hated the Spotify CEO and how young people try to move too fast. At one point I said, “Rich people get rich enough and then they start thinking they’re politicians.” He laughed very hard and said, “You’re a gem of a girl,” and that almost made it start raining again because it was a thing that a dad would say. I did not cry because he started playing the drill music again and that is extremely loud furniture. He showed me a picture of his wife and I said she was beautiful and remembered that things are still happening that aren’t ending. It helped. I almost forgot that I paid 85 pounds for the Uber. Almost.

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
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